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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29045235">white tiles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonicneonfishy/pseuds/demonicneonfishy'>demonicneonfishy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the rainbow collection [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, i got a little carried away with the trauma, the description gets a little detailed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:48:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,716</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29045235</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonicneonfishy/pseuds/demonicneonfishy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The tiles are pure white, too pristine, too cold, too clinical.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the rainbow collection [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106570</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>198</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>white tiles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is a series of standalone post-movie oneshots all centered around a different color! they can be read in any order, and you don't need to read one to read another. enjoy!<br/>-<br/>this one goes into post-Merrick trauma and gets a little heavy in places. essentially, nicky has a fairly violent panic attack.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nicky doesn’t let himself think about the lab.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It happened, it is over, and he has other priorities. Namely, Andy, Nile and Joe. Andy, because she is mortal now, something they’re all taking time to adjust to. Nile, because she is still so new, and Nicky remembers what it was like to be thrown into a new and terrifying world, and her introduction to their way of life had been marred by so much violence. And Joe, because part of Nicky will always be worried about Joe’s wellbeing, now more than ever. Because Joe is the one who wakes crying out most nights and who can’t calm down for hours after and is terrified every time Nicky accidentally injures himself because Andy is mortal now so what if they are, too?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe doesn’t say it in as many words, but Nicky knows Joe better than he knows himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he looks after his family as they lie low, waiting for the storm created by what happened at Merrick’s to pass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if he sometimes finds himself staring at nothing, lost in thought until Joe brings him back with a gentle touch to his back or shoulder or arm, or waking in the middle of the night unable to breathe, the image of the doctor’s smile and Joe unconscious on the table, sleeping maybe, or dead burned into his mind - that’s not important. He’s dealt with worse before. It will pass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It always does, after a little while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he does not let himself think about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s awake before the rest of them, checking the perimeter as the rising sun paints the sky orange and yellow and pink. The air is crisp, fresh the way it is in the early morning, and it helps to ground him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d woken up again that night. This time, it had been Joe who was shot by Keane and didn’t wake up, no matter how much Nicky pleaded. When he woke, he had traced the pulse point on Joe’s wrist until his breathing slowed, and hadn’t even tried to go back to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nile is awake when he gets back inside, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning,” she says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods. “Did you sleep well?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nile shrugs. “Well enough. You?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” It’s a lie. He does not need her to worry about him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sit in comfortable silence for a moment before Nile breaks it. “So when do I learn to use a sword?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky laughs at that. “If you really want, we can teach you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, seriously?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see why not. We have time, after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on in here?” Joe asks from the doorway, and Nicky is immediately alert.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re up early,” he remarks, searching Joe’s eyes for any hint of distress. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you okay?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Joe laughs a little. “Couldn’t sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky watches him like a hawk as he crosses the room to sit down beside Nile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicky was offering to teach me to use a sword.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll have to get Andy to do it. Nicky’s a terrible teacher. It’s a miracle I ever learned Genoese at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Nicky says insistently. “You, my love, are a terrible learner.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe clutches his heart and gasps. “You wound me, ya amar.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I only speak the truth.” He touches Joe’s shoulder lightly as he walks by, as Joe begins to explain the struggles of communicating with your immortal rival to Nile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andy’s door is open, as usual, and he hovers in the doorway for a moment, watching to make sure she’s still breathing. Her back is turned to him, and he’s glad she’s managing to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re there, Nicky,” she says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he says apologetically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t.” She sits up, wincing, and looks over her shoulder at him. “I was already awake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is it?” he asks, nodding towards her wound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hurts like a bitch, but that’s not new.” She stands up, slowly, and Nicky is once again shocked by how vulnerable she seems now. She’s not weak, she never has been, but she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>mortal</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and he’s still not sure if he’s really processed that yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andy crosses the room, and he can see the pain in her movements. “You don’t need to hover so much.” She sounds exasperated, but he knows she doesn’t really mean it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andy places her hand on his shoulder and smiles at him, softly but sadly. “We’re okay, Nicky.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is a lump in his throat. He blinks back tears and nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andy squeezes his shoulder gently before walking into the kitchen where the others are. Nicky lingers for a moment to collect himself before following her.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Nicky jolts awake, the doctor’s voice still echoing in his mind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I believe this can change the world</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How many times has he heard that over the years?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind him, Joe shifts in his sleep, tightening his arms around Nicky. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Joe is safe. Nicky is safe. They are okay.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Carefully, he untangles himself from Joe’s arms and sits up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicoló?” Joe mumbles, eyes still closed. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing, my love,” Nicky says gently, running his fingers through Joe’s hair. He leans down to press a kiss to Joe’s temple. “Go back to sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe hums sleepily and his breathing evens out not long after.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky gets up and leaves the room, to check the perimeter again.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>In the end, it's the tiniest thing that sets him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s in the kitchen, washing the dishes while Andy tends to a cut she’d gotten earlier while sparring with Nile. Nicky thinks she forgets, sometimes, what it means to be mortal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Andy tears open an antiseptic wipe with her teeth and swears as she wipes away the blood. Nicky smiles to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the smell hits him - sharp, chemical, </span>
  <em>
    <span>sterile</span>
  </em>
  <span> - and tears the breath from his lungs. He chokes on it, on the bile rising in his throat. The glass he’s holding falls from his hand and shatters in the sink.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do you feel the wound trying to close?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kozak whispers in his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicky? You okay?” Andy asks, but he barely hears her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stumbles out of the kitchen and to the bathroom, only just managing to shut the door behind him before he sinks to his knees and vomits into the toilet.</span>
</p><p>They’d used the antiseptic before they injected him - he doesn’t really know why, it’s not like infection would be a serious problem for them, but perhaps they wanted to control what killed them - and he’d always been able to smell it before the needle went in. Over and over and over again.</p><p>
  <span>He leans back and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back against the tile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe what happened at the lab hit him harder than he thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opens his eyes. The tiles are pure white, too pristine, too cold, too </span>
  <em>
    <span>clinical</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He hides his face in his hoodie - Joe’s hoodie, he'd taken it earlier after the nightmare - and breathes as steadily as he can, trying to slow his heart rate at least a little in an attempt to relieve the wild terror in his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone knocks on the door. “Nicky?” Joe asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t seem to make himself speak. They’d cut out his vocal cords, in the lab, just to see if they grew back. He’d tried to scream, and been unable to make a sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opens, and Joe steps inside, looking down at Nicky so, so gently. He closes the door behind him and crosses the room to crouch in front of Nicky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky reaches for him without thinking, because he will always seek Joe out, the way sunflowers seek out the sun, clinging tightly to Joe’s shirt because he doesn’t know what else to hold on to. He buries his face in Joe’s shoulder and lets out a choked sob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Joe says softly, rubbing Nicky’s back in soothing circles. “You’re okay, Nicoló.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky can’t seem to calm himself down, can't remember how to speak around the catch in his throat. All he can do is let out a strangled cry of pain, his tears soaking through Joe's shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Joe whispers. “It’ll pass, I promise. Just let it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe stays with him, holding him until he has no more tears left. Then he pulls back, and brushes the hair out of Nicky’s eyes. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>When he has showered and changed and feels like himself again, they retreat to their room. Nicky isn’t sure he’s ready to face the others yet, and Joe doesn’t push him. He leaves for only a moment when Andy knocks to explain what’s going on, and after that to go get food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’ve been here before, after all, and Joe knows exactly how to handle the situation. The same way Nicky knows what to do when Joe gets overwhelmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, he’s lying on his side, watching as Joe sketches. The quiet is comforting, familiar. <em>Safe</em>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Nicky says quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what?” Joe asks, sketching a few more lines before closing his sketchbook. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe sets the sketchbook on the bedside table and lies down beside Nicky, rolling over to face him. He reaches out to trace Nicky’s jawline gently, and Nicky leans into the touch almost unconsciously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were hurting,” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky exhales slowly and closes his eyes. “I’m falling apart, aren’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Nicoló,” Joe says, firmly and softly at the same time. “No. This won’t be what breaks you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky opens his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It might take a little time, but you’ll get back up again. We both will. We always do, don’t we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Si,” Nicky responds, his voice barely a whisper. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But what if I can’t?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thinks. Nine hundred years, and he still breaks like any other person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will,” Joe says, as if reading Nicky’s mind. “We’ll be okay, Nico. I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky says nothing, just leans forward and presses their foreheads together. For now, it’s enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They fall asleep not soon after, Nicky lying on his back, Joe on his stomach beside him, an arm slung around Nicky’s waist, his head tucked under Nicky’s chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And neither of them wake until morning.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>it's nicky's turn with the trauma<br/>-<br/>i'm demonicneonfishy on tumblr too if you wanna come say hi!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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